Developer Confidential - Being Stuck in Limbo and the Frustration of Purgatory

Losing your job is one thing. Quitting for your mental health is another. The hunt for a new job - always the same annoying dance.

Being in the job market is exhausting. Nobody likes it. The endless job boards. The stupid forms you fill out. AI causing more headaches. Limbo is where we are when we get laid off, fired, or we quit. Purgatory is when we are stuck in limbo, trying to claw our way back to anything that will provide financial relief. I’ve been in limbo eight times from 2007 to present day. I’ve been in purgatory five times. This usually happened because the market was horrible, recruiters were ghosting me or employers wouldn’t call back. However, after leaving the nightmare behind, both limbo and the eventual purgatory felt different.

I was relieved that this was over. Dick was apparently moved somewhere else. I heard more and more people had left. I heard some managers were going to leave or transfer somewhere else too. I wasn’t sure if writing a lengthy scathing resignation about their inner workings would do anything. Having seen the roster of people working there at the top, I doubt anything is changing. It was a truly horrible experience to see such a large company operate in such a broken fashion. I had to juxtapose this with how my family has been running their construction business. They were doing really well. Unfortunately, they would have to support me financially again.

My first month after the nightmare, I was slowly applying, but also trying to recover from the abuse. The good news is that I was slowly getting better, but I kept thinking about the amount of people Dick has probably abused behind closed doors. Same with many of the managers there as well as the team members. It’s sad to see these people are holding these large meetings, but don’t understand they are probably around people with suicidal thoughts based on statistics. This brings me to an important fact all people across time should always know - you are not above becoming a statistic. If you ever drink from the cup of thinking it can’t happen to you, life will humble you. How you choose to proceed will shape the course of your life. Make your choices carefully. When you make a choice, choose it fully, and don’t make excuses.

During this time, I was paying close attention to all the companies that were laying off people. I was trying to understand what we all had made during this time. It would be 20 years soon that I have been trying to innovate and drive the world forward. I remembered how much good we all wanted to do back in 2006. I couldn’t imagine that my life would’ve taken this turn. I was approaching my thirteenth job now. I was beyond worn down from this never ending marathon. I kept summoning my strength and willpower but it was hard to keep going.

I kept thinking about the level of pain I kept putting my wife through, but I should have just talked to her. I have loved her since I was nine. I can’t believe she has had to live through all of this. My alcoholism, financial insecurity, being abandoned to alcohol and corporate responsibilities… I keep thinking she should have never married me, but I know these thoughts don’t help move me into a happy life. I had just passed two years of sobriety, but I still didn’t fix many of my issues in my marriages, most of which were inflicted by me. What I can say about love is this - everything you do and everything you hear will remind you of them in a manner that will fill and empty you. You cannot stop thinking about being with them. You would truly do anything for them. It’s not an obsession. It’s caring for someone so deeply, you feel an alignment within yourself that makes you feel complete. However, I failed at this miserably.

Every time a contract wouldn’t go permanent, a lay off occurred or in this case with the nightmare, I would go through a pretty long bender. I was constantly consuming every single drop of alcohol I would get my hands on. Thankfully, when I left the nightmare, I was sober. I’ve been sober since May 2023. It didn’t take away the pain I had been causing myself. Unfortunately, memories that were long buried came back up and this would be the hardest thing I would go through in the coming years - and nobody would care, especially the people I worked with. Telling my manager at the time about one situation involving SA would be too much for them to handle. Telling my HR manager that I was suffering from CPTSD would change nothing. I know this is nothing new for many people to experience. If you don’t know somebody who has suicidal thoughts, then attention must be paid during large gatherings. Statistically speaking, in a large group, there will be someone suffering. Not all can sense it, but I know what vibes I’m getting in large gatherings.

During this time in limbo, I had many scammers calling me. Being in limbo this time meant lots of AI bots preying on my job situation. I had so many AI bots contacting me about opportunities that were fake. It was a very long summer. I also had so many recruiters call me to return to the nightmare. They are still calling, texting and emailing me to return to this very day. The endless financial burdens on my family would be very difficult. I even considered going back to the nightmare, as long as they put me somewhere far away from my abusers. I never got a call back. I also had several people call me about a few past employers during this time. I also never received a call back. This, as one might imagine, doesn’t help make healing and recovery easier, only harder.

One thing I would also like to shine a light on is that I definitely learned where I stood with a lot of people. At all these places I worked at I made some friends and a couple of good acquaintances. However, once I was no longer there, I learned quickly what they truly thought when nobody bothered to call me. I worked at places where people spoke about keeping in touch and then I never heard from them. It was one of those harsh realities, which wasn’t even surprising. Having been alone and abused a lot in life, I shouldn’t have been desperate for connection with others. I should’ve just focused on building a great marriage. I would learn this lesson at the worst of times.

I would later land a job in the beginning of December. It seemed like a good company. Unfortunately, I would have to commute an hour going and coming. It was a bit rough, but I was willing to do it for the pay and benefits. The people I interviewed with as well were sweet. I thought this would be good for me. However, that also didn’t last (more on that one later). What I can say to those still in limbo, or those deep inside of purgatory - don’t give up. Everyone likes to give you their two cents. Many will tell you their tale that you should take with a grain of salt. My advice? Turn to you loved ones. What I forgot after the nightmare was the basics that kept me going. I felt lost and broken. Dick shouldn’t have gotten to me, but I truly thought everyone would’ve been better off with my death. Leaving behind the dream job was deeply soul crushing, but I had to stand up for my dignity. Unfortunately, regaining memories of horrible abuse, recovering from alcoholism and trying to save yourself from a toxic work environment can compound and turned me into this person who isn’t sure if he is being himself or not.

All I needed to do was think about my “why”. Once I knew why I had to find the next gig, I managed to get the interview or received the phone call I needed that led me to the next role. I should have known better, but I didn’t. I kept going with the little energy I had left. Giving up wasn’t an option. I had to make this work. The good news is that I did land something before that year was up. The bad news is that it didn’t last long. The ugly part is, I saw this coming. I should have known better, but there were signs regarding it. It was a strange ninety 90 days there. As always, remember, this is no happy tale.